


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit: THE GREAT WOOKIEE CAPER

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [59]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 07:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10300967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The satirical saga continues (in short story), as a new threat is discovered on Tatooine, and Ben does it all for the Wookiee.www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

THE GREAT WOOKIEE CAPER

Day 2,132:

The wall of sand was drawing closer. Wind whipped debris against my face like tiny daggers. Over the years the daggers had lost some of their sting due to my constant exposure to the elements. But for now, I needed to hurry. I ran my lightsaber across the surface, transforming the sand into glass. When it cooled to the touch I grabbed the baby and retreated to the safety of my hut. 

"Honey, I'm home!" I called to Beru, who sat at the table with Luke. "Surprise Luke, I brought your sibling back with me!"

I sat the baby across the table from Luke, who appeared to be excited. From the kitchen I brought in four cups and a pitcher of blue milk. After pouring the drinks, I grabbed a seat next to Beru. I placed my hand on her thigh and whispered, "I missed you, snookielumps."

From over my shoulder I heard a ghostly intruder. "Obi-Wan, we need to talk..."

"The name is Ben!" I screamed at the apparition. 

"Ok, Ben. I'm worried about you."

"Qui-Gon, please."

"You've been on Tatooine for seven years now. When was the last time you had contact with another living creature?"

"Ah...hello?" I scoffed, and motioned towards my family.

"Ben," my former Master moved closer, "your so-called family are not real. They're sand sculptures."

"You shut your filthy mouth!" I clutched Beru's glass hand, "Baby, don't listen to this dead jerk."

"It's not right, Ben. You need to get out of your hut more, meet some living people. At least get a droid."

"You think I'm crazy?" I shouted. "I'm crazy for sculpting myself the perfect family? But taking the advice of a dead guy is totally sane, right?!" As I confronted him I threw my hands into the air knocking over Beru. She hit the floor and her head shattered, sending sand everywhere. 

I shrieked and fell to my knees desperately trying to gather the sand back into Beru's broken skull. "See?! Look what you made me do Qui-Gon! Her head sand is mixed up with the floor sand! I'll never get this straightened out!"

Ignoring my crisis, that blue translucent bastard nagged, "It's been two years since you've had living breathing visitors here. Something needs to change."

"Yeah," I looked at him defiantly, "I need to stop listening to a guy who can't take a saber hilt to the face without getting himself killed!"

And just like that the ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn vanished. 

Chicken shit. 

As I attempted to scoop up Beru's brain granules, I sobbed silently for having lost my love for a second time. The real Beru was currently somewhere in the galaxy, hiding, raising our Jedi love child, while her twin sister was living with Owen and raising Luke. This sandy substitute was my pathetic attempt to ward off loneliness. It didn't even look like Beru. I got overly zealous when I sculpted her breasts and made them far too big, which caused her to always be leaning forward. And wet sculpted sand encased in glass makes for a poor lover.

I spent hours attempting to fix Beru, all the while apologizing to her for my clumsiness. Then Luke started teasing the baby. Screams filled the hut. Luke was laughing while Beru was yelling at him, as sand continued to pour out of her head. Still the baby screamed. I was overwhelmed, stressed out, I didn't mean to hurt the boy. I reached out with the Force and gave Luke the slightest push. He flew across the room and hit the wall, exploding into a million tiny pieces.

I knew this was all in my head, but it didn't matter. I just went a little crazy. We all go a little crazy sometimes. You try living alone in a mud hut for seven years! You'd probably be eating your own poop by now. 

So after "accidentally" killing the boy, I panicked. I couldn't have any witnesses so I disposed of my mock family. I buried their shattered glass remains beneath the sand behind my hut. I feared that I would hang for this. 

"Brroctah" the Tuskens call it; roughly translated as SAND MADNESS. Moisture farmers and their families were susceptible to it, basically any creature that wasn't a Jawa or a Tusken. Living in an endless sea of sand for prolonged periods of time could make people go mynock-shit crazy. I believe Anakin suffered from sand madness, or maybe he was just a dick, who knows anymore.

After a few days of mourning, and waiting enough time to ensure that the authorities weren't looking for me or my sand family, I decided to take Qui-Gon's advice and get myself a droid. I hailed the nearest sand crawler and began bargaining. For two large bottles of water I was able to walk away with a class one medical droid. A droid I would soon find out was in desperate need of servicing. 

I brought Z-7-Z back to my hut, and charged his battery. Switching him on, his eyes lit up. Three yellow dots in each eye socket stared back at me. But then smoke started billowing out of his microphone shaped mouth. The droid mumbled "Greetings and salutations." I opened the droid's chest plate and discovered a veritable smorgasbord of parts from at least a dozen different types of droids. The Jawas traded me a lemon, but I guess I should have expected nothing less from those glowing eyed weirdos.

"Do you know your designation and purpose?" I queried.

"I am Seven…something…something," he replied in a muffled metallic voice. "I am chef for the… no, I am a super battle droid for the sep… um, maybe an astromech…"

"You're a mess is what you are," I sighed.

For several hours I rewired my new friend, and took an inventory of the replacement parts I would need to pick up. I even buffed his outer casing until it shined. That's when I noticed the hideous old man staring back at me. I found my own reflection to be unrecognizable. I had aged so much in such a short period of time. The binary suns and wind storms made my face look like Chewbacca's gungan leather messenger bag. I was gross. 

"7-Z-7, I'm going to head into Mos Eisley for a bit. I want you to take this broom and sweep the floor until I get back."

"Yes Master," he gripped the broom in his claw-like hand. "I will take this broom to Mos Eisley with you."

"No, no, no. You are going to stay here and sweep until I get back."

"Yes Master, I will leave the broom here until we get back from Mos Espa."

"Eisley!" I corrected him. 

"Where?" he glanced around the hut. 

"Listen, you stay here and sweep. Repeat that back to me," I instructed. 

"I stay here and sweep."

"Yes, until I get back. Repeat that back."

"Until you get back."

"Excellent! Now Seven, put it all together."

"I will sweep your back in Mos Eisley."

"Wow!" I have to remember to have a talk with those Jawas. "Just stay right there!"

I made my way to the door and immediately felt the droid's presence behind me. I turned, "Seven, where are you going?"

"I'm going with you, sir."

So, I made my way on foot to Mos Eisley, with a very slow moving and slow minded droid following me, and of course he was carrying the broom. I have dealt with literally thousands of droids, smart ass droids, neurotic droids, droids that were trying to kill me, but I have never come into contact with a droid that was so stupid. It was amazing. 

Entering the city of Mos Eisley I was shocked to see the buildup of Stormtroopers. Hundreds of dirty white buckets scattered the beige landscape. It appeared that the Empire was spreading their wings of oppression further and further into the outer rim. I feared that Tatooine would soon no longer be safe for the real Luke Skywalker. 

In my long absence from Mos Eisley, I had missed the construction of a large Imperial embassy on the outskirts of the city. Now here it stood, about as useful and attractive as breasts on a rancor. Stormtroopers made their way in and out of the building, but it was the two standing guard by the front door that really caught my eye. They were each about 2 1/2 meters tall, which towered over all of the other troopers. I overheard the regular bucket-heads refer to them as Megatroopers, which seemed fitting. 

I turned to my droid, who was quietly sweeping the endless amount of sand that filled the streets, "Seven, have you ever seen Stormtroopers such as those?"

Without looking up from the street, the droid replied, "Sir, this is the most snow I have ever seen."

"It's sand!" I barked impatiently. 

"It is?" Seven questioned, looking up at the sky. 

"Never mind droid, just follow me." As we made our way to the supply shop, I noticed a bizarre looking woman exiting the Imperial building. Her solid black outfit made her pale white skin seem to glow under the twin suns. My first thought was that she was a Sith, but I knew that to be impossible, plus she carried no lightsaber. She did, however, have a large disc shaped object attached to her back which could have been some kind of weapon, or possibly even a jetpack. 

The Force was telling me that it would be best to avoid this woman, so I grabbed Seven's arm and rushed him along. However, we immediately ran into two Stormtroopers. 

"Watch it, old man!" said Stormtrooper #1. 

"My apologies," I mumbled with my head lowered, attempting to avoid eye contact. 

"Where's your identification?" asked Stormtrooper #2. 

"I forgot it at your mom's house," I said, slightly waving my hand. 

"Where are you taking this droid?" asked Stormtrooper #1. 

"Back to this guy's mom's house to pick up my ID." I smiled sadistically. These weak minded fools made it too easy. "Say," I grew serious, "who is that woman in black with the Megatroopers?"

Stormtrooper #2 replied, "I don't know, she just arrived. We haven't been briefed yet."

I noticed that the woman had taken an interest in my discussion with the troopers. She spoke to her Megatroopers, who immediately followed her as she made her way towards us. I called on the Force once more and instructed the two before me to "arrest that woman for being such a horrible villainous stereotype."

Seven and I ducked down an alley as the two Stormtroopers approached the woman. Words were exchanged, and a scuffle began between the two sets of troopers. It was immediately apparent that the Megatroopers had the advantage. Stormtrooper #1 promptly had his arms ripped off, while Stormtrooper #2 was lifted above the Megatrooper's head. As he was thrown through the air, the Stormtrooper who still had possession of his arms dropped his blaster. As it hit the ground the weapon misfired and hit the Megatrooper in the chest, causing him to roar in pain. 

As I stood in the dusty alleyway with my mentally challenged droid, I realized I had heard that kind of scream before. Inside that trooper's armor I was convinced was a Wookiee! A reliable source had informed me that since the Wookiee home world of Kashyyyk had been enslaved, the Empire had been forcing the younger Wookiees to receive combat training. But how do you turn such a proud and mighty race into the mindless automatons that are the Stormtroopers?

Yoda and I always had good relations with the Wookiees. I would do anything to help liberate them from their Imperial oppressors. So when the medical team arrived on the scene, I was prepared to change my plans for the day. 

Two medical droids lifted the wounded Megatrooper onto the back of the flatbed speeder. The woman in black left the area with her one remaining guard. That's when I leapt into action. Grabbing the broom from Seven I pointed, "See that over there, where we came in? I want you to go there now and wait for me. Got it?"

"Of course, sir," Seven replied. 

As I sprinted down the alleyway I could hear Seven call out to me, "So, I'll come with you then?"

I could see down the side alleys that I had ran past the medical transport. I quickly made my way back to the street, and stood nonchalantly waiting for it to catch up. 

I took in my surroundings and noticed that there weren't any Stormtroopers around. So as the transport started to pass me in the street, I flipped over the pedestrians and landed on the flatbed of the speeder. With one quick slash of the broom handle I incapacitated the two medical droids, placed them alongside the Megatrooper, and took control of the vehicle, without anyone noticing. 

I spun the medical transport around and headed to where I told Seven to meet me. But remembering that my mechanical friend was a few data chips short of a full stack, I returned to where I left him and found him staring up at the sky and slowly spinning in a circle. 

"Hop in the passenger seat," I said, as I hovered next to him. 

Seven looked at me, and then at the two droids and one Megatrooper laying in the flatbed. He quite innocently asked, "Have we been in some sort of accident?"

"No!" I snapped. I forced pulled him into the seat next to me and took off. 

Back at my hut I laid the injured Megatrooper on my bed and strapped him down tightly. I dissected the two Imperial medical droids, harvesting some of their parts, as well as their built in medipacks, to assist with Seven's upgrade. Then I used the Force to bury the medical transport under a hill of sand. 

The perfect crime. 

Now it was time to unmask the giant Stormtrooper in my bed. A little Force persuasion kept him unconscious while I removed his helmet. As I had suspected, the 2 1/2 meter tall Megatrooper was indeed a Wookiee. But what I saw before me was the most bizarre thing. The Wookiee's entire head and face was bald. Someone had shaved the poor bastard clean, and it wasn't a good look for him either. He had what I would reasonably call human-like features, but his nose and mouth were pure space dog. It was quite disturbing to look at. 

I peeled back each piece of white armor from his raw sweaty skin, and was disgusted to discover that his entire body had been shaved. They must have done so in order to squeeze the Wookiee into the armor, which caused him some extreme chafing. 

As I stood over my now naked and completely bald guest, I couldn't help but wonder if Wookiee babies were born without fur. It seemed unlikely, because without fur Wookiees were yucky. This act of shaving them by the Empire seemed completely unnatural and unnecessary, and frankly it caused me to throw up a little bit in my mouth. 

I required my newly upgraded droid to assist me. "Seven?" He did not respond. When I turned around I could see that he was still trying to sweep up the remnants of my massacred artificial family. "Seven?" Still nothing. 

I walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and stated, "Greetings and salutations."

"Droid," I spoke slowly, "I am your Master, Ben. Your name is 7-Z-7, or SEVEN, for short. Your primary function is medical, and keeping me sane. Now, I have a patient for you to examine."

Seven followed me over to my bed. "This is a Wookiee. I want you to run a full scan on him, we are trying to determine what would make a Wookiee follow the orders of the Empire."

"As you wish, Master Glen," he spoke through his muffled voice box. 

"The name is Ben," I stroked my beard in frustration. Then a knock came at the door. "Seven, continue with the scan, I will see who that is." I drew the curtain closed around my bed and went to the door. 

I was only somewhat surprised to see two Stormtroopers standing there. "Can I help you fine gentlemen?" I snickered. 

"Citizen, we are in search of a missing Megatrooper. Have you seen him, or anything suspicious?"

"You know, I haven't," I said, leaning playfully against the door frame. "But you know what would be fun," I waved my hand, influencing their pathetic minds, "if you two went out into the middle of the Dune Sea, stripped off all your clothes and buried yourself in the sand up to your necks. Then just kind of waited around for a krayt dragon to stumble across you."

"We will do that," the Stormtroopers answered together in mindless unison, then walked away. 

As I closed the door I smirked to myself, feeling only a tad guilty for sending the troopers to their doom. The good news for them was that they'd die of exposure long before the krayt found them. 

I drew the curtain open. "So Seven, what did you discover about our hairless guest."

The droid turned his head to face me, but it went too far and continued to spin until he was looking at the wall. "There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary with this patient." 

"Um," I tapped the side of the Wookiee's head, "and what about this?" There was an incision, which had not fully healed. "You missed quite an important find. That is obviously an inhibitor chip. And it needs to come out. Not to mention the blaster wound to his chest."

"Allow me, sir." Seven lowered his multipurpose arm and sprayed a solution on the scar. "Now we can remove the implant without causing the patient any discomfort."

"That's great, Seven." However, something didn't smell right, so I dipped my finger into the solution on the Wookiee's head and tasted it. "Well, you've sprayed him with mouthwash instead of a numbing agent."

"Honest mistake. Should I start the incision?"

"No! We need to fix this." I opened up Seven's chest plate and found the spray we needed. Manually spraying the area I informed Seven he could now cut out the chip. 

This was yet another mistake on my part. His one hand contained a rotary of gadgets, and he apparently thought the best tool for making an incision was a spoon. 

"Are you sure you were a medical droid?"

"I haven't the foggiest, sir."

Well, honesty had to count for something. So I worked hand over hand with the droid, using his tools to heal the Wookiee's chest and remove the inhibitor chip. I cleaned up our new friend and made him as comfortable as possible. 

In my hand I held a piece of technology the size of a thumbnail. It seemed so small and insignificant, but it was responsible for the near genocide of the Jedi. It turned hundreds of thousands of Clone troopers into mindless killing machines who may have forever changed the fate of the galaxy. Now these chips were being used again, not on Clones, but on slaves. The Wookiees on Kashyyyk had suffered enough at the hands of the Empire, first occupation, then enslavement, and now apparently they were being used as mind controlled tools of the Empire. This had to stop. I needed to rescue the other Megatrooper I saw in Mos Eisley. 

I would have liked to have kept the inhibitor chip I held in my hand. I could have taken it apart and studied it, maybe come up with a way to short circuit it from a distance. However, I couldn't be sure that it didn't contain a locating device, and I didn't need an armada showing up at my door. So I tossed the chip into the air and sliced it with my saber. 

Good riddance. 

I left very straightforward instructions with my mentally deficient droid to keep the Wookiee safe and comfortable until I got back. Digging out the medical transport from the mound of sand I hid it under, I drove past the Lars homestead to check on the young Skywalker. Sensing that all was good I continued on to Mos Eisley. I didn't actually have a plan for liberating the Megatrooper. I thought a simple snatch and grab might be the best course of action, but as I've learned in the past nothing ever goes as planned. 

I parked the transport in a darkened alley, and made myself as inconspicuous as possible, then I watched. There was no sign of the Megatrooper standing guard outside of the Imperial embassy, but after a few hours I caught sight of the woman in black. She was making her way down the street followed by her one remaining Wookiee slave. 

I peeked around the corner and observed their movements. After stopping several Stormtroopers to convey some kind of instructions, she eventually made her way into one of the buildings. The target of my abduction stood watch outside. 

All at once a brilliant plan popped into my mind. I jumped back in the medical transport, drove it out on to the street, and tried to gain as much speed as I could as I headed straight for the Megatrooper. I mean, if you're going to knock out a Wookiee in armor what better way to do it then to run his ass over?!

As the Megatrooper became aware of my collision course he reached for his blaster, but it was too late, I had flattened him against the building. His head bounced off the wall on to the hood of the transport. I was sure he was knocked out, so I backed the vehicle up slightly. When I got out and went to touch him he surprised me with an upper cut that sent me flying across the street and deposited me in a pile of rubbish. 

"Ow!" I yelled, rubbing my chin. 

I stood and brushed the various food debris from my robe. The Megatrooper was now standing with his weapon drawn. With a flick of my wrist, I Force pulled the blaster from his hand. I had to be careful using my powers in public. The last thing I needed was people reporting a Jedi sighting. 

The trooper rushed at me from across the street. Before I realized what was happening, he had me lifted over his head and then proceeded to body slam me into the street. 

"Ow!" I yelled again, arching my back in pain. 

Discreetly using the Force, I pretended to kick him, and then Force pushed him into the transport. I stood up and lunged at him, but his reach was longer than mine and he gave me a shot to the stomach before my fists were even in range. 

"Ow! Damnit!" I huffed, having the wind knocked out of me. I had officially lost my patience. I Force pulled his blaster to me and stunned the beast. Nothing happened, so I stunned him a second time. As luck would have it, he fell directly into the flatbed of the transport. I jumped into the driver’s seat and took off, leaving some confused bystanders in my wake. 

As we drove out of the city, I allowed myself to feel the slightest twinge of hope. Then like a kick to the groin, I immediately got a bad feeling about this. Looking over my shoulder I saw the woman in black Force running after us! She had to be a Sith! Either the rule of two no longer applied, or Vader was dead. Whatever the case was, this situation scared the poodoo out of me. 

She was gaining ground, as I noticed the trooper beginning to stir in the back of the vehicle. I concentrated on steering the transport straight and true, when I heard the all too familiar sound of a lightsaber. Over my head flew a double bladed red saber. It was like nothing I had seen before. A moment later the Megatrooper's severed head fell into the seat next to me. The saber came back like a boomerang, which I was able to duck in the nick of time. The trooper's decapitated body then fell off the side of the transport, lightening the load, giving the speeder the added boost I needed to outrun the terrifying stranger. 

I ditched the transport before heading home. I was overwhelmed with sadness that I was unable to save the Wookiee. And I honestly didn't know if the woman in black was aiming for my head or his. I wouldn't be surprised if she had sacrificed her Megatrooper just so I couldn't have him. 

When I entered my hut, I was met by my idiot droid and a 2 1/2 meter naked Wookiee standing in my kitchen. Amazingly, his balls hung down to his knees, and I couldn't help but wonder if all that hair helped to keep his testicles out of the way. But that was a mystery for another time.

Being fluent in Shyriiwook I introduced myself. He said his name was Lumpawaroo, and he immediately hugged me in his full nakedness. I quickly gave him a spare robe. He couldn't thank me enough for saving him from his waking nightmare. He said the entire time he was being controlled by the inhibitor chip he was fully aware of what was going on, and was unable to stop it. I decided that he could stay with me until his hair grew back and I could figure out a safe place to send him. 

He had been friends with the Wookiee I lost, and I apologized for not being able to save him. When I mentioned that it was a result of the woman in black he tensed up. 

"The woman in black that you speak of," Lumpawaroo said, "is an Inquisitor."

"I don't know what that is," I began, "but she was strong with the dark side of the Force."

"She would have to be," the Wookiee agreed. "Her mission consists of two objectives. The first is to hunt down and kill any remaining Jedi."

Yikes, I thought. "And what is her second objective?" 

"The second is to find Force sensitive children and kidnap them in order to train them as Inquisitors."

"How intriguing!" Seven chimed in. 

Panic washed over me. Was this so-called Inquisitor on Tatooine to look for a Force sensitive child, or to kill a Jedi? Either way, it was bad news for yours truly.


End file.
